So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
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The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable