The sacred texts.
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I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.