[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
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8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.