Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
You Might Also Like
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..