I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
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hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I’d … I’d rather not.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
If a snake ate a cake
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages