I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
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“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
best first i’ve ever seen
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.