My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
You Might Also Like
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.