If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
You Might Also Like
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.