can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
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When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
beware of dog
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw