I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
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Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.