Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
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Can I donate fat instead of blood?
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.