At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
You Might Also Like
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.