me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
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i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
meanwhile over on facebook
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.