I don’t think my car can fly
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Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)