I never needed anything more in my life
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asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut