hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
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If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen