@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
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GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.