In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
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Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
taking June’s advice to heart
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.