I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
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Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
What the hell happened here.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys