“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
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God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
This makes total sense…
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave