[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
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Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
my dog when i have a friend over
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
excuse me
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
I have never heard an armadillo before.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace