[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
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Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
🤣🤣🤣
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them