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What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
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Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
the greatest twitter interaction
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.