87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
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Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.