Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
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My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!