mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
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If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
This is why I hate group projects
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.