“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
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My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots