The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
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date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.