Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
You Might Also Like
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!