I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
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My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
My blood type is coffee.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Just ordered me some pizza!