Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
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Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.