A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
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I want this so bad
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
This is a true ally.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie