Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
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Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what