If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
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[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell