My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
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my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.