Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
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Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist