Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
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Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
ACED my prostate exam!
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
My support group can outdrink your support group.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.