Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
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The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
😂🤣😂🤣
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do