Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
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“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old