Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
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Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
you know what ruined my childhood? children
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science