FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
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Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense