*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
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Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
OH. COME. ON.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit