Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
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Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT