ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
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I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
These are my emotional support Pringles.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Beware of the dog..
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.