Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
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Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”