I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
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[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
twitter is a journey
🍛
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?