Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
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Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little