Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
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COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
2022 will be better than 2021
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.