my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside