[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
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Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]